Commute (updated)

Blank faces stare at

Distant worlds through back-lit screens

Blind to here and now

I messed up and stuck to a 7-5-7 syllable verse for my first haiku, making it a not real haiku. So I tried to stick with the original message and feel and make a true haiku out of it. 5-7-5, totaling 17 syllables, that is. 

What do you think? Which one do you like better?

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3 thoughts on “Commute (updated)

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